July 20, 2024

Big Citia Tribune

The least popular name in news

“Stop it… it’s not funny anymore!” cries hedge fund CEO

1 min read

WALLSTREET—Hedge fund CEO Steven Cohen told reporters late Monday evening that at first he thought Redditors’ attempt to drive the price of stocks was fun and games, until he started losing a lot of money from the incident.

“This isn’t funny anymore,” said Cohen. “You don’t understand. This is really embarrassing and my name is plastered all over the internet. I might have to work for a living one day.”

During the interview, wiped his tears into a white $1,300 cloth.

“You have to realize, people are losing money and may be forced to sell one of their vacation homes in the Bahamas.”

—Steven cohen

He told reporters that if this doesn’t stop soon, this may cause irreversible changes to the stock market.

“We need to decide quickly if we want to have a free market, or if we want the status quo,” he said. “If we want to preserve the status quo, we need to give the market back to the people that control it.”

Reddit users have since reached out to us. Every single message consisted of one word…

“Hold.”

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