Bored and Greedy Poor People Conspired to Steal from Important and Benevolent Rich Folk

WALL STREET—Last week the news cycle was once again reminded that the stock market is a thing. When the popular subreddit WallStreetBets took on the hedge funds shorting Gamestop stocks it took Wallstreet by surprise.

One anonymous investor at Wallstreet had this to say, “It’s totally unfair. These people are basically gambling and some of them have even become millionaires! It’s pure unadulterated greed on the part of these Redditors. Just because they don’t have a stable income, or are debt free, or own a trust fund… or can rely on their bought and paid for congress people to bail them out… they think they can take our money?”

To make matters more fair for the down and out hedge funds that saw massive losses in the past week, the popular investment app Robinhood blocked it’s users from volatile stocks that would cost rich investor type people a good chunk of change.

Robinhood CEO, Vladimir Tenev, felt it was necessary to protect his customer base. “You see we named our company Robinhood because we felt we needed to financially help those in need. Robinhood stole money yes, but he did it in an honorable way and didn’t keep it all to himself. When we saw that Wallstreet was losing billions from these large market increases, we knew we had to step in and steal from the poor and give to the rich, just like Robinhood would do. What’s that? He did the opposite you say? I’m sorry I’ve never read it actually. I only saw the Disney version once and there was no sound on.”