May 24, 2024

Big Citia Tribune

The least popular name in news

Florida Man.

Florida Man.

FLORIDA–On February 7, 2021, at about 7:14 PM Eastern Standard Time, a Man was spotted in Florida. Locals have stated that the Man was wearing Clothes, had Hair, and was doing Something.

“It’s the strangest thing,” said Duncan, an individual of Floridian residence. “I was just minding my business, chewing on gator jerky while watching my favorite rerun of the Miami Dolphins vs the Dallas Cowboys on Pay-Per-View, when I looked out my window and I saw him.”

When asked for further comment, Duncan elaborated, “He was a Man.”

Duncan’s neighbors, The Joneses, have corroborated this apparent sighting. “We were raking the leaves out on the bayou out back,” said Mrs. Jones, “when we saw what looked like a Man.”

“Yup, he was right there,” said Mr. Jones, Mrs. Jones’s wife. “Right over there by the–” Mr. Jones gave an almost imperceptible ten-minute pause before finishing her sentence.

A passing salesperson offered to sell us Cuban sandwiches. We both said no. The salesperson offered to sell us Cuban cigars. We both said yes no because we are law abiding citizens and Cuban cigars are illegal.

The gorgeous golden sun seemed to melt into the ocean as evening fell across the western sky, painting the warbling windy air a soft salmon, drowning out the blues of daytime with reds and purples and greys, and my heart with them. Truly, truly, this moment was the–

“–tree,” finished Mr. Jones, after taking a nice long puff of Cuban cigar the beautiful Florida sunset.

The Florida Man was unavailable for comment.

If you have any information about a Man in Florida, please contact the Big Citia Tribune! We are willing to pay top dollar for any new information about this fabled Man.

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